The Art of Saying "No" + Protecting Your Calendar
It’s 5 p.m. on a Wednesday and you have wild, exciting plans to go for a run after work and then tackle the piled up dishes in the sink and vacuum the house, and then maybe if there’s time, you’ll answer the emails piling up in your inbox.
But alas, you get a text from a friend inviting you to an impromptu dinner and drinks, and you haven’t seen them in weeks. Besides, that sounds much more fun than all of the abovementioned activities, especially when combined. So of course, you get an endorphin-like burst of spontaneity and reply with an all-caps “YAS” and that excited Jonah Hill gif (you know the one).
And after a fun night with your friend, you return home to a sink full of dirty dishes, dusty floors, a jam-packed inbox, and yet another missed workout — and no energy left to remedy it.
Don’t get me wrong. There’s certainly room for those drop-everything-to-be-with-someone-you-love nights, but there needs to be a balance between being available and being responsible — which includes taking care of yourself, sticking to a routine, and getting enough rest. It’s about setting boundaries and rules for your calendar — so it doesn’t end up ruling you.
This hypothetical scenario is entirely too familiar for me, and while I don’t regret those spontaneous “yeses” and unplanned time with friends and family whatsoever, I have also discovered the power of saying “no” — even when I really don’t want to. While it has not been perfect by any means, I’ve learned how to protect my calendar a little more carefully, leaving ample time for myself, Brandon, and even those boring “to-do list” nights.
I experienced a strange phenomenon during the pandemic. Mid-March through July was the very first time I didn’t have to navigate any schedule conflicts, unplanned invites, or a full calendar. And I’m sure you experienced the same! It wasn’t until I had to start reintroducing social events (socially distant ones, at least) into my life a few weeks ago that I realized I wanted to do so with a bit more intention.
Not to mention, a few months ago, I read the well-known and well-regarded book, Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life — and not to be too dramatic, but it undoubtedly changed my life. The book was born the same year I was, but the principles remain timeless and universal. I learned about the importance of setting boundaries in my relationships, and consequently, with my calendar and various obligations that might come my way.
Some practices I’ve started to implement include:
Don’t say “yes” right away. Brandon is really good at this one! My default answer was always “yes” before I had a chance to make sure I could make it happen. Now, my initial reaction is “let me check my calendar and get back to you!”
Protect specific days of the week. This is a bit more pre-pandemic, but I started protecting specific days/evenings to be free of plans — and I would typically go for a run on those days. If I didn’t make an intentional effort to keep those days open, it was easy to go week after week without working out and/or get burnt out by social activities. While I’ve definitely wavered on this one, I typically protect Friday nights for date night with Brandon.
Don’t feel bad about saying “no.” I’ve learned this only through experience, as it was difficult to muster the courage at first. I had to experience some success in order to feel that saying “no” was worth it — for my own wellbeing and for those around me.
Don’t worry! It’s not all negative or a list of don’ts and warnings. Saying “no” means you can say “yes” to the things that matter most — and that certainly includes those important friendships and the last-minute requests I mentioned. If you leave plenty of room in your schedule and maintain the physical, mental and emotional capacity to hold those things, you won’t be too overbooked or overstressed to say “YAS.”
I’ve found a great sense of relief since I’ve started saying “no” more, as that means my “yes” now truly means “yes.” There’s no more questioning whether or not I’m able to do something because I confidently feel that I can — and perhaps more importantly, the people in my life know that, too.
In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus even warns against insincere responses: “‘But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No’” (Matthew 5:37). Many scholars believe he is warning against sworn oaths, as a simple yes or no should be an adequate and truthful proclamation.
I’m very much still working on all of this, but I thought I would be transparent with my imperfect attempts at a more thoughtful, “minimalist” calendar, if you will. Together, let’s master the art of saying “no” so we can feel confident about our “yes.”